I Planned 15 Styles, We Ended Up Snoring!

Ladies and gentlemen… gather round. It’s finally time for me to spill my wedding night lashing story, aka how my most anticipated night turned into a glorified sleepover 😭.

You see, for me, the wedding night was a BIG deal, one of those fantasies I’d been cooking since university days. My girls and I would sit in hostel rooms gossiping about it like it was our final year project. I had plans, my people. Serious plans. Headstands, reverse cowgirl, snake-in-the-monkey-shadow, ALL the styles in the book. Sleep? For what? That night was supposed to be my debut in the Married Women Association of Wild Things.

Fast-forward to D-day, the traditional rites, prayers, welcome party, leg washing, and even a “you’re now a wife” mini sermon from the aunties. My excitement was peaking. After everything, I took a nice hot shower, rubbed small shea butter on my thighs (you know now 😅), wore that short silky red nightwear I ordered from Instagram, and waited for my new oga.

Then… boom, Baba hit me with a long praise and worship session. I thought it was a short thanksgiving. My people, he entered real fire prayer mode. I was nodding off by the time he started praying for “our generations unborn.” 😩

After what felt like a crossover night, we both laid on the bed. My eyes lit up, thinking, “Finally, it’s showtime!” We started whispering sweet nothings, throwing around promises and subtle hints. I was giving green light o. That’s how my husband said, “You know we can’t do anything tonight, right?”

Wait, what??

Sir, excuse me? Come again?

He was serious. “We’re too tired,” he added. “Let’s just cuddle and kiss.”

At this point, my spirit had left the room. But I said, okay, let’s at least lock lips, let something happen so I don’t cry in my sleep. We started kissing, slow, soft… sleepy kisses.

Next thing I know, I wake up.

MORNING.

Same position.

We legit slept off while kissing. 😭💀

That was my almighty wedding night. No sex. No gbenshing. Just a glorified cuddle session and wasted lingerie.

To make matters worse, we didn’t even do the do until five days later. Yes, you heard right. FIVE! That thing pain me ehn. I almost sent him back to his village.

And it didn’t even end there…

Let me take you back a bit.

When we picked the wedding date, I checked my period tracking app, and lo and behold, my red visitor was scheduled to arrive on my wedding day.

My chest. 😭

I panicked. Begged hubby-to-be to help me “pour something inside” so I could take contraceptives and scatter the cycle. Oga refused, claiming we must stay holy till the altar. I respected his holiness, but deep down, I knew Mr. Red would disgrace me.

He did.

Woke up on the wedding day by 4:30 AM. Took my bath, drank one full pure water on an empty stomach — my friend swore it would help me not feel pressed all day. Bad idea. An hour later, while the makeup artist was still blending my brows, cramps came like a thief in the night. Hot, fiery, thunderbolt cramps.

Ran to the toilet like someone chasing destiny, and there it was, Mr. Red.

He didn’t even knock. Just entered.

I was devastated.

As the whole glam squad tried to keep me looking pretty, I was there fighting to not curl into fetal position from the pain. Every 10 minutes I whispered to my chief bridesmaid:
“Babe, check my gown. Am I stained?”
She’d whisper back: “You’re good. Smile!”
Smile ko, smile ni.

After the wedding, we had to travel 4 hours to my husband’s base. 4 hours of bumpy roads, cramps, and pad changing in uncomfortable restrooms. Romantic, innit?

So imagine reaching the house that night — exhausted, drained, with cramps still dancing zanku in my womb, only for husband to pull out a Bible and start worship 🙃

Ladies and gentlemen, that was my wedding night.

Not what I planned, but it was ours — raw, real, imperfectly perfect.

And when we finally did the do five days later?
Let’s just say… it was worth the wait. 😏

Now, whenever people ask me, “How was your wedding night?”
I smile and say, “We slept. Together. Literally.”

Moral of the story?
If you think wedding night will be like Nollywood, with roses, scented candles, and acrobatics — just know real life has plot twists.

But love… love finds a way. Even if it delays by five days. 😅